With my eyes I will see God.....

I keep thinking I really need to post on my blog, but what do I say? Do I post pictures of Aidan and Grandpa discovering the Christmas Tree together, or the snow falling Monday night, or laughing with Aidan yesterday when we got to babysit and just pretend that my heart doesn't still hurt and that the tears don't still come almost every day? Do I share how it is hard to think about going to Christmas parties and have people talk about how stressed they are that they haven't finished decorating for the holidays, or haven't even started their Christmas shopping yet, when our kids are walking thru the valley of the shadow of death?

Or do I post honestly, sharing the pain of the journey, why today I chose not to go to a Christmas Brunch with dear friends because I just can't explain what happened and how we are doing 19 times again today? Do I share the struggles that I have had in my heart these last 18 days, the questions I have asked of God or is that just too scary for me as a career missionary to even admit those things?

Today I have chosen to open the door of my heart just a bit, and leave the pictures for another day. Because today I am suddenly teary and sad again, even though yesterday was a great day, getting back in the office for a few hours and seeing and hugging the dear people I work with that have prayed, and prayed and prayed for us, even though this morning we walked all around the park and it was wonderful, walking with my friend again and not being so tired at the end.

Today I am missing those precious babies that we never got to meet that are with Jesus, and seeing Him face to face.

Today I read some blogs of others who have walked this journey of loss and have been encouraged that's it is okay to be honest.

Thank you to Booth who wrote:
My heart aches for those who've gone before me on this path - those who know the ache and agony of losing someone they never really got to know. And my heart aches for those who are walking behind, who have yet to tread here, where I am. Pray for them. Pray that they will be reminded that what has come from God is good, that what has returned to Him is blessed, and that the time that passes until we are all together once again - well, that is as fleeting as a breath, a vapor, a gust of wind.

Thank you to Rosanna who also longs for heaven and shared these words from the book,
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb(I think I will have to find our copy and read it):
In our struggle to handle the pain of shattered dreams, however, one question is rarely talked about with honesty. The question is this: What do we do with how we're feeling toward God?

Do we even like God, let alone love Him? Is He on our list of cherished friends? Are we resting in His goodness, confidently trusting Him to work all things together for our good?

In the chaos and heartache of dreams that crumble, God so often seems to pull away. When we cry the loudest, He sometimes turns a deaf ear. Nothing changes.

And when He fails - we feel betrayed, let down, thoroughly disillusioned. He neither reverses the tragedy nor fills us with peace and joy.

How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?

"The Lord will be king over the whole earth. On that day there will be one Lord, and his name the only name" (Zechariah 14:9).

The best hope, our highest dream of being in His presence where nothing ever goes wrong and where we fully enjoy Him more than every other blessing, will not be granted till the next life.

We will not suffer in heaven.

As Heather posted on her blog yesterday, 'I'm not the way I used to be.' None of us are. Our family will forever remember life as before the twins or after the twins. We will have a new longing for heaven because they are there and some day we will meet them face to face and we will run and dance together on streets of gold. And it's okay.

And today I can rest in my Saviour's arms knowing that it was okay to be mad, to be angry, and it is okay now to be sad, because He is the real joy giver, and He will turn the mourning into joy! And I can say with Job(Job 19: 25-27)

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

Heaven is a sweeter place and I am indeed a pilgrim and a sojourner. And the old hymn is so true:

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
just to take Him at His word,
just to rest upon His promise,
just to know thus sayeth the Lord.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I've proved Him more and more,
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
oh for grace to trust Him more.

I'm so glad I learned to trust Him,
Precious Jesus, Saviour, Friend,
and I know that He is with me,
will be with me to the end......

Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus,
oh for grace to trust Him more,
oh for grace to trust Him more."

Thank you to all of you that are reading and praying...for letting me share, for letting me be honest, and helping my heart to heal. The tears have been dried for now, and there is a song in my heart.....Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus.

Created for Heaven Immediately

As Heather posted on her blog this afternoon.........."On Monday night God chose to give our babies angel wings ... I don't know why, but he did. We already miss you."

They were just 19 ½ weeks old. Please pray for her and Matt as they grieve the loss of their precious babies. Thanks for lifting our entire family up during this incredibly sad time. We had to say goodbye before we even met the twins. God created them for Heaven immediately.

Many of you have already emailed us, letting us know that you are praying for all of us. Thank you so very much. I can't possibly respond to each email, but our hearts are full knowing that you care.

One such email came from Dave's cousin's wife about her own loss of a baby.....'Another thing that helped me was to try and picture my baby being rocked by my Grandmother in Heaven. She rocked all of her grandchildren, even when we were in our early teens. Can't you imagine Bud(Dave's father) walking down the streets of gold with the babies telling them all of his stories?'

On Monday night as we stood beside Heather's bed while she was in labor, we talked about how Grandpa would be the first to hold these babies.....he always did love babies!

I can't believe that I have any tears left to cry....but still they come! I have always said that whereas the Bible says that God sees each of our tears and puts them in a bottle, for mine He must have several large 10 gallon drums!! But at the same time I know that His word is true and although we don't understand the why's, we can still trust Him.

Isaiah 43:1b-3a
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

In September it was 31 years since we lost our first baby at 13 1/2 weeks....since then I have often prayed for others who have lost children with the words from 2 Cor 1:3.4:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Little did I know that He would use our time of pain and sorrow in the lives of our own children. I am so glad that He doesn't waste our sorrows and that one day soon our weeping(and tears) will be turned into shouts of joy.

On Motherhood

Since having surgery three weeks ago today, I have spent lots of time sitting in our Recliner. I have slowed right down, not by choice, but here I sit. It's given me time to rest, to read, to pray, to reflect and also to read emails, browse Facebook and blog stalk(those last two often get done in the darkest hours of the night when I can't sleep).

One of the things that I have watched several times and thought you might all enjoy if you haven't seen it yet is this mother's song about a mother's words...it's good for a laugh! Check it out and join me in wondering how she knows all the things I have said to our kids! Enjoy!

Long, long overdue.......

Today I wish I had some amazing pictures to post,
was an awesome writer like some,
or had a different perspective on the world right now................
but alas, I am in my Recliner over two weeks after my surgery, still on my back for the most part, with no new pictures downloaded onto my computer because they are still in the camera....
I am not terribly poetic or even funny when I post...or amazingly reflective as some are.....
It's grey and rainy outside....yuck!

BUT, God is good, all the time, and He is patient with me even when I am not!
I have a great friend here this week taking care of me while Dave is in Halifax.(thank you Ruth!)
Megan, Aidan and Heather all came for lunch which was awesome even if Aidan couldn't figure out why Grandma couldn't just lift him up at the counter.
Jody posted some great pictures on her blog from the Aunties and Cousins Visit which I keep looking at over and over again.

AND Heather and Matt are expecting TWINS!!!!!!! You will want to read all about it on their blog. We are excited, surprised, in shock, and doubly blessed! It just doesn't get any better than that!