With my eyes I will see God.....

I keep thinking I really need to post on my blog, but what do I say? Do I post pictures of Aidan and Grandpa discovering the Christmas Tree together, or the snow falling Monday night, or laughing with Aidan yesterday when we got to babysit and just pretend that my heart doesn't still hurt and that the tears don't still come almost every day? Do I share how it is hard to think about going to Christmas parties and have people talk about how stressed they are that they haven't finished decorating for the holidays, or haven't even started their Christmas shopping yet, when our kids are walking thru the valley of the shadow of death?

Or do I post honestly, sharing the pain of the journey, why today I chose not to go to a Christmas Brunch with dear friends because I just can't explain what happened and how we are doing 19 times again today? Do I share the struggles that I have had in my heart these last 18 days, the questions I have asked of God or is that just too scary for me as a career missionary to even admit those things?

Today I have chosen to open the door of my heart just a bit, and leave the pictures for another day. Because today I am suddenly teary and sad again, even though yesterday was a great day, getting back in the office for a few hours and seeing and hugging the dear people I work with that have prayed, and prayed and prayed for us, even though this morning we walked all around the park and it was wonderful, walking with my friend again and not being so tired at the end.

Today I am missing those precious babies that we never got to meet that are with Jesus, and seeing Him face to face.

Today I read some blogs of others who have walked this journey of loss and have been encouraged that's it is okay to be honest.

Thank you to Booth who wrote:
My heart aches for those who've gone before me on this path - those who know the ache and agony of losing someone they never really got to know. And my heart aches for those who are walking behind, who have yet to tread here, where I am. Pray for them. Pray that they will be reminded that what has come from God is good, that what has returned to Him is blessed, and that the time that passes until we are all together once again - well, that is as fleeting as a breath, a vapor, a gust of wind.

Thank you to Rosanna who also longs for heaven and shared these words from the book,
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb(I think I will have to find our copy and read it):
In our struggle to handle the pain of shattered dreams, however, one question is rarely talked about with honesty. The question is this: What do we do with how we're feeling toward God?

Do we even like God, let alone love Him? Is He on our list of cherished friends? Are we resting in His goodness, confidently trusting Him to work all things together for our good?

In the chaos and heartache of dreams that crumble, God so often seems to pull away. When we cry the loudest, He sometimes turns a deaf ear. Nothing changes.

And when He fails - we feel betrayed, let down, thoroughly disillusioned. He neither reverses the tragedy nor fills us with peace and joy.

How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?

"The Lord will be king over the whole earth. On that day there will be one Lord, and his name the only name" (Zechariah 14:9).

The best hope, our highest dream of being in His presence where nothing ever goes wrong and where we fully enjoy Him more than every other blessing, will not be granted till the next life.

We will not suffer in heaven.

As Heather posted on her blog yesterday, 'I'm not the way I used to be.' None of us are. Our family will forever remember life as before the twins or after the twins. We will have a new longing for heaven because they are there and some day we will meet them face to face and we will run and dance together on streets of gold. And it's okay.

And today I can rest in my Saviour's arms knowing that it was okay to be mad, to be angry, and it is okay now to be sad, because He is the real joy giver, and He will turn the mourning into joy! And I can say with Job(Job 19: 25-27)

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

Heaven is a sweeter place and I am indeed a pilgrim and a sojourner. And the old hymn is so true:

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
just to take Him at His word,
just to rest upon His promise,
just to know thus sayeth the Lord.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I've proved Him more and more,
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
oh for grace to trust Him more.

I'm so glad I learned to trust Him,
Precious Jesus, Saviour, Friend,
and I know that He is with me,
will be with me to the end......

Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus,
oh for grace to trust Him more,
oh for grace to trust Him more."

Thank you to all of you that are reading and praying...for letting me share, for letting me be honest, and helping my heart to heal. The tears have been dried for now, and there is a song in my heart.....Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus.